Two A.M. and I'm still awake writing a blog...

So here it is, after 2 A.M. on a Monday morning. I've had two cups of something called "sleepytime" tea as well as a tiny little pill I affectionately call the "dream killer," a term that should not be considered disparaging in the least bit since my dreams are not often happy places. I know that as soon as I lie down that my raw, swollen infected bottom lip will go all into 1992 "rave mode" and pulse like a straining speaker blaring a bad German techno song. I'm trying to keep my eyes open and stay busy until I'm completely zombiefied and fit for crawling in bed.

Needless to say, THIS will be a rambling mess. But it will be a TRUE mess...that rambles.

It's been WELL over a month since I posted anything on here. It's not that I'm ignoring it, it's just that everything I've been inclined to write has been a bit more personal than what I intend to share on here. I never intended this to be a "personal" blog where I talk about my own life, and those things I do share are generally public knowledge. Then I read blog entries like this or this or this and I feel like total chickenshit for being scared for the few of you to read something personal. God in heaven knows that in the deserts of life we call pain that I have a speck of dust compared to what these men are facing. Hell, I'm not even hurting. Just scared and disappointed with myself.

(May I just say that I'm having an EXTREMELY difficult time typing? Not much longer now...)

What do I have to lose to be honest? Maybe someone will have an answer for me. Maybe someone will read this who is experiencing the same feelings. I think there's only three of you anyway, so if worse comes to worse, a handful of you know a little too much about me.

Let's establish some background for those of you who may only know me through this blog:

1. There was a point in time when I swore I wouldn't get married (there's an entire different set of background that goes with that)
2. When I met the man who would become my husband, I retracted said swear and told him--on our third date--that I was going to marry him.
3. We married about six months later.
4. This September will be our eight month anniversary.

While this undoubtedly prompts some of you to the obligatory "Awww," let me tell you something: marriage is hard. Really hard. Even under the best circumstances with the person you KNOW God placed in this world just for you, it's hard.

It's hard to share space with anyone for long periods of time.
It's hard to accept each other's flaws and shortcomings, especially after the initial dating/honeymoon stage wears off (in our case, those were almost synonymous)
It's hard to stay when our society makes it so damned easy to go.
It's hard to never have another first date, first kiss, first [fill in the blank]
It's hard to forgive. It's hard to forget.

Marriage. Is. Hard.

We haven't even reached the ten year mark and already I understand why so many marriages end in divorce, why so many spouses are unfaithful, why women become bitter and women become withdrawn.

Hold on.... need to go back and read all of that.


Jeez... you probably think I'm married to a total asshat. Not true. I'm totally completely in love with my husband. He's handsome, intelligent, funny, compassionate, kind, forgiving. The good in him far outweighs any bad. When it all boils down to the truth, I have been at the root of most of our marital problems. I'm impulsive, moody, and insecure. I make things so much harder than they have to be most of the time. My husband will have a special room in his heavenly mansion someday for all he's loved me through and forgiven me for (I hope it's a home theater--he really wants one). On our best days, it's bliss. On our worst days, it's a struggle. And we've had our share of "worst days." But my worst day with him is infinitely better than my best day without him.

I say all of this to get to my point (which I must hurriedly approach since I can now only hold one eye open)--I'm afraid I've waited too long to really love him. No, I've waited too long to try to show him I really love him.

See, for a long time, he had to share part of my heart, a part of my heart that I claimed someone else had taken but in all honesty I let this person have it and never asked for it back. During times when I should have been pulling back my shoulders and facing any problems in my relationship with my husband head on, I was using someone else as my emotional crutch. I lied about my crutch. I was deceptive in many ways. This went on for so long that I didn't realize how destructive it was until I woke up one day unsure that my marriage was going to survive. I made the decision to let go of my crutch and truly cleave to my husband as God intended.

To use a well-worn metaphor, the road since then has had its share of bumps, but we've managed to travel it together. We are finally communicating in an honest and in my opinion healthy way. I am happier than I've ever been and I love my husband more than I ever have before. I can't sit beside him without holding his hand or leaning on his shoulder or tracing my fingertip across his shoulder blade. When he pulls into our drive, my stomach does flip flops. Being away from him, even for a few hours... well, sucks. And while he seems relatively happy and I don't doubt that he loves me, it has become my fear that my actions in the past have rendered him unable to feel the same for me as I do for him. I don't think he feels electricity when we touch. And while I consider him my best friend, sometimes I feel this is as deep as the attraction goes for him now.

Please don't misconstrue any of this as bitching about my husband. I am so thankful for the progress we've made and the relationship we have now. He is my greatest earthly blessing. But I fear I've driven away the part of him that at one time craved me, that wanted me. Do I deserve his total trust and admiration again? I doubt it. But I'm willing to do anything to get it back, to have him look at me like he used to. At the same time, though, I have to question if it is my right to have that back.

I used to mock people whom I labeled as "too needy," the ones who couldn't exist without the one they loved so much. And now here I am finding myself not just wanting him, but needing him more and more. And while he's HERE for me and with me, there's a piece missing.

Regardless, I will not EVER give up. I will dig down every day and find away to love him even deeper. I will be proud to be his wife and I will cherish every "I love you," every brush of the lips and embrace.

I love you, John. I'm so sorry for the times I've failed you as a wife. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you even though you don't ask that of me. I want you to believe and never doubt my devotion to you and only you.


I'm going to sleep now. I'll read this with new eyes in the morning. It will probably be hard but I won't regret it.