I think I'm burning out.
No, really, this year may be enough to make me walk away from the profession I love. As difficult as my first year of teaching was, it was nowhere near this stressful. I don't have a planning period, so I teach from 7:15 to 2:15 with a 25 minute (at best) lunch. I'm on an alternating schedule, so I have eight classes (four every other day) with at total of 180+ kids. To top it off, they're ALL FRESHMEN. And to top THAT off, our school is on "the list" this year because we missed graduation rate by one person. I leave work every day (never before 5:00) exhausted and pissed off. And to make matters worse, I'm never caught up when I leave. I feel like I accomplish nothing because for every task I finish, there are four or five more to do. I feel like I'm treading water and the only part of me left above the surface is my left nostril.
I'm exhausted and overwhelmed all the time. I haven't cooked dinner in almost a month. My house looks like Hurricane Gustav made a pitstop. I feel like the worst wife in the history of wives. I might be slightly consoled if I felt like I was being an effective teacher, but I don't even feel like I have a grasp of that either. We're four weeks into school and I feel almost no connection with my students. Is that my fault? Is it theirs? I don't even know. I know that it's hard to connect when I only see them every other day, but there has to be more to it.
I don't want to burn out. I know I'm called to teach (at least until I'm called to be a mommy). I'm just so frustrated right now. I was relieved when I stopped crying everyday, but now I'm just getting a little numb. I can' t teach if I'm apathetic, but I can't function if I'm ready to pull my hair out and apply for a greeter's job at Walmart. I shouldn't even be blogging. I have a stack of papers to grade that is heavy enough to activate the airbag sensor in my passenger seat. I'm just not motivated. I worked until 6:45 last night and until almost 5:00 tonight. I don't want to come home and keep working. I don't want to come home and do anything besides allowing myself to become one with the sofa.
This will get better right? I won't feel like this for the next nine months, right? Just say no. Otherwise I'm going to get myself preggers and stay home.
Did I just say that???
3 comments:
It's not just you. It is this year. It is a cursed year where the gods of education have turned their backs on us and left us to become the next set of inductees to Quinco or Western State. Run...Save yourself...Save me...
Ouch. I hope it gets better, but I have to admit getting preggers and staying home is pretty crazy, too! LOL -- well I'm working now so maybe it's the combo that I rarely have time for myself anymore...
I hope that things get better and that you connect!!!!!
Hang in there Amber. I hope that it will get better for you soon. You may be their only hope.
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