Saturday, July 25, 2009

Recycled from November 9, 2005

I wrote this after moving to St. Louis. Fall is always a hard time of the year for me, but this was an especially bad season because I was extremely lonely. I eventually made two or three friends, but I spent the first few months very lonely and quite depressed. Reading this now, I am so thankful for the people God has placed in my life. It's been a long time since I had a truly lonely day.

Autumn is never easy for me. Oddly enough, it's both my favorite season and my saddest season. I look forward to watching the leaves turn and the weather growing colder. Every year, though, I can feel those old melancholy feelings sneaking up on me toward the middle of October.

This time of year holds both tender and bitter memories for me. Both seem to bring their own brand of sadness. This season will be particularly harder this year as I continue to adjust to my new city and new way of life. It's lonely here; I haven't been lonely in a very long time. I keep thinking back to my first semester at Union, before I met Rachel, Scott, Brandy and all of the other people whom I grew to love so deeply. Those four months were some of the lowest in my life. I had never felt so out of place. By Thanksgiving I had decided I'd transfer for 2nd semester, even if my parents cut me off completely. I didn't care. Luckily, that December I met the people I would call my own.

But this isn't college. I can't "transfer" out of my life. I try to keep myself busy, but I once again feel that I don't belong here. John tries his best to make me feel better, but he can only spend so much time with me. He's always so busy with work and preparing his seminar. My writing workshop, the only place I feel at ease around people, ended last night, which has put me in a terrible funk today. I have acquaintances who are friends of John but no one of my own. I spend most of my time on the phone with Jenny and Momma. Is it asking too much to want a friend? Someone I can go to a movie with? Or go have drinks with after a hard day? Why do I feel like such an alien here? Am I so different from these people?

I spent four years of college living within spitting distance of my best friends. Then I moved to Memphis and worked with my friends there. I was surrounded by my students who were my life. Suddenly, I don't even have someone to hang out with for half an hour. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love going out with John. We have a great time together. But he can't be with me every moment. And it's not good for us to spend ALL of our time together. Plus, I need a girl I can talk to about... well, girl stuff.

I crave camaraderie, a sense of belonging.

My favorite yellow tree, the one I see driving to work in the morning, is almost bare. I feel like my palette is empty, too. I'm not colorful anymore.

I'm actually looking forward to winter.

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