Wednesday, March 30, 2011

My Day

My brain has been busy today.  I need it to slow down so that I can shut down.  It's almost 11 and I'm wired and a little anxious.  Maybe if I dump some of these thoughts here, I can rest.

  • My temper has been worrying me a little lately.  I'm not hitting anyone or screaming at people or yelling obscenities (well, maybe a little of that one when I'm by myself).  I'm just snapping at people I love for no reason and blaming them for things they have NO control over whatsoever.   Pretty sure I need to sit down and write some apology letters, especially to my mother.  I actually got pissy with her when I dropped my cell phone in a puddle the other.  She wasn't even there, only on the line talking to me.  I've always had a temper and have learned to control it, but I've never been just plain old mean.
  • I wonder if I'm going to be able to spend the rest of my life in this part of the country.   Sometimes I wish I could pick up my family and loved ones and move us away.  Not trying to slander this area or those who live here. I just feel more and more like I don't belong.  
  • Screw honesty.  Silence is the best policy sometimes.
  • Some days everything pisses me off.  Some days everything makes me sad.  Some days I feel great.  And some days I feel all three within six-and-a-half minutes.  I'm a prisoner to my hormones and it makes me miserable.
  • If I keep falling in love with my baby girl at my current daily rate, I am going to explode.  I know she's mine and I'm partial, but OH MY LORD this kid is so funny and smart and beautiful.  I just stare at her and wonder, "How on Earth did I help produce that?????" This isn't something that bothers me, I just worry about her so much because I'm so crazy in love with her.
  •  I finished cleaning off my DVR today.  I only have a few episodes of Yo Gabba Gabba left.    I'm way prouder of this accomplishment than I should be.  Wish I were this motivated to clean out my laundry room.
  • Hopefully my husband knows how much I love him since I've done such a shitty job of showing him. 
  • I'm not sure I've ever felt more like the Prodigal Son than I do now.  For those who've known me for a long time, this may come as a surprise.  
  • I seem to lack the ability to call people out when they're obviously lying to me.  It just takes too much energy and I avoid awkward situations at almost any cost.
  • It may seem I take things personally, but I'm just passionate.  I'm not losing sleep over other people's opinions.  I have way too many other things that keep me awake.
  • I spend way too much time worrying about the feelings of others and I forgive entirely too easily.  Those sound like they should be good things, and in many ways they are.  The problem is that I back down when I shouldn't and I apologize when I've done nothing wrong.  I try to keep the peace long past the point where it's normal, logical or healthy.  I also don't know how to hold a grudge.  Before you tell me that grudges aren't healthy, I'm totally aware.  But sometimes I need to hold a little bit of a grudge for awhile so that the same people don't hurt me again and again.  It's just so tiring to harbor hard feelings, but I think I'd be better off if I didn't just sweep everything under the rug and try to forget it. 
I'm seriously sorry that what little I've posted recently has been depressing.  Writing is therapy for me, though.  Hang with me if you will.  Happier days and funnier topics will be ahead.

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