- My temper has been worrying me a little lately. I'm not hitting anyone or screaming at people or yelling obscenities (well, maybe a little of that one when I'm by myself). I'm just snapping at people I love for no reason and blaming them for things they have NO control over whatsoever. Pretty sure I need to sit down and write some apology letters, especially to my mother. I actually got pissy with her when I dropped my cell phone in a puddle the other. She wasn't even there, only on the line talking to me. I've always had a temper and have learned to control it, but I've never been just plain old mean.
- I wonder if I'm going to be able to spend the rest of my life in this part of the country. Sometimes I wish I could pick up my family and loved ones and move us away. Not trying to slander this area or those who live here. I just feel more and more like I don't belong.
- Screw honesty. Silence is the best policy sometimes.
- Some days everything pisses me off. Some days everything makes me sad. Some days I feel great. And some days I feel all three within six-and-a-half minutes. I'm a prisoner to my hormones and it makes me miserable.
- If I keep falling in love with my baby girl at my current daily rate, I am going to explode. I know she's mine and I'm partial, but OH MY LORD this kid is so funny and smart and beautiful. I just stare at her and wonder, "How on Earth did I help produce that?????" This isn't something that bothers me, I just worry about her so much because I'm so crazy in love with her.
- I finished cleaning off my DVR today. I only have a few episodes of Yo Gabba Gabba left. I'm way prouder of this accomplishment than I should be. Wish I were this motivated to clean out my laundry room.
- Hopefully my husband knows how much I love him since I've done such a shitty job of showing him.
- I'm not sure I've ever felt more like the Prodigal Son than I do now. For those who've known me for a long time, this may come as a surprise.
- I seem to lack the ability to call people out when they're obviously lying to me. It just takes too much energy and I avoid awkward situations at almost any cost.
- It may seem I take things personally, but I'm just passionate. I'm not losing sleep over other people's opinions. I have way too many other things that keep me awake.
- I spend way too much time worrying about the feelings of others and I forgive entirely too easily. Those sound like they should be good things, and in many ways they are. The problem is that I back down when I shouldn't and I apologize when I've done nothing wrong. I try to keep the peace long past the point where it's normal, logical or healthy. I also don't know how to hold a grudge. Before you tell me that grudges aren't healthy, I'm totally aware. But sometimes I need to hold a little bit of a grudge for awhile so that the same people don't hurt me again and again. It's just so tiring to harbor hard feelings, but I think I'd be better off if I didn't just sweep everything under the rug and try to forget it.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
My brain has been busy today. I need it to slow down so that I can shut down. It's almost 11 and I'm wired and a little anxious. Maybe if I dump some of these thoughts here, I can rest.
at 11:54 PM