In ways, this hasn't been quite as difficult as I'd anticipated; however, it seems like the parts I'm struggling with most are the ones that I didn't even realize were that much of a challenge. I have really been hard on myself about being hard on myself. Yes, that sounds contradictory, but every time this week that my mind (or when it was really bad, my mouth) started saying, "You suuuuuuuuck," I nipped it in the bud. I think just being more conscious of the fact that I do it helps tremendously.
As for the perceived workload, I'm still struggling with the urge to try and get everything done. I've been focusing on keeping thing picked up around the house and only cleaning what truly needs to be clean at the moment (dishes with food, the floor covered in dog hair, etc). I don't work while Amelia's awake unless it's something I can do without taking time away from her (like sitting in the floor folding clothes while she plays beside me). When she's asleep, though, I still find myself in Robomom mode, trying to cram in AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. Part of this has been unavoidable, though, since I've had a couple of HOA deadlines this week and the work just had to be done.
|Maybe I need this...|
The area in which I'm struggling the most is after Amelia goes to bed. I'm still spending most of the night "doing" instead of resting or spending time with John. The worst part is that I stay up until I get to a stopping point that I can accept--even if it means I'm not in bed until 2:30. I know this is bad for my physical and mental health, but it's borderline compulsive. This is going to sound terrible, but my DVR reflects my priorities. The hard drive is almost full with shows and movies I've recorded. Those of you who know me know that I love my shows and movies, but I just can't sit that long and not do.
When I sit and read all of this, I'm starting to fear that maybe I'm not getting better, I'm just shifting things around so that I seem to be more reasonable until I'm alone at night. Maybe getting this out will help. I seem to do better when I feel there are people possibly holding me accountable (file that under "Fear of Failing"--another issue).
Now I'm frustrated. I have been patting myself on the back, but I'm not so sure it was deserved. But this is where I've been improving. I'm not going to beat myself up. It won't help and won't undo the past week. I did take some time for me this week, and I need to focus on that. I had lunch with John, I took Amelia swimming for the first time, I took a long bath and shaved my legs (it's sad that's a luxury), and I finished a Sookie Stackhouse book I've been working on for six months (three pages at a time just doesn't cut it). Yes, I had to bargain with myself a bit to do these things. Yes, I fought the urge to "make up" for my "me" time by doing an extra few chores. Yes, I lost that fight a few times (including last night when I mowed the yard). But I guess what's important is that I am making progress. I am aware of what I need to change and am trying to change it. I can't forget that it's only been a week, and I can't undo years of living in Crazytown in one week.
Thank you to everyone who has commented here and on Facebook. I appreciate you taking the time to encourage me; please know that I've read everything you've written multiple times.
It's a holiday weekend. Let's see if I can do it right...