Thursday, January 5, 2012

Recap

Since I’m a terrible mom, I totally dropped the ball this year on keeping up with Amelia’s baby book/calendar.  However, I did document pretty much everything on Facebook, so I went back and started pulling important dates and events from there.  In the process, I’ve reached the conclusion that pretty much all I talk about is Amelia and the weather.   I have also decided that if someone only knew me through Facebook, they’d think I’m pretty weird (then again, most people who know me outside of Facebook think I’m pretty weird).   Just for fun,  I compiled a few of my random, non-Amelia/weather related statuses from last year.  I also threw in a few completely unrelated mobile uploads I posted to Facebook.  Enjoy… or completely ignore.  I’m okay either way.

Amber …

...is going to celebrate National Cheese Lovers Day. What's the equivalent to a cheese hangover? Oh yeah... constipation

…is counting the minutes until either John wakes up or Amelia naps. Between her fussing & my coughing, we kept the sleep fairy away last night. I'm so tired.

…is full of greasy goodness and Coca Cola. Not my finest moment but definitely a tasty one.  

…learned a few things tonight: 1) even vampires have hearts, 2) some people SMELL crazy and 3) dry humping is not always a safe alternative to sex.

…needs a nap.  And a drink.

…is conducting an experiment on the correlation between bladder fullness and perceived cleanliness of gas station restrooms.

…just heard the guy beside me at the red light sneezing. Neither of us had our windows down.

…is a bit puzzled by the young lady in Kinkos who requested her resumes be printed on pink paper.

…thinks the world needs more Asians.  Wait…what’s that you say? Oh, I see.  Well then, the world needs more DAVES.

…has Hobbit feet.

…has bedazzled boobs.  

…thinks there should be an entire movie of nothing but Paul Rudd dancing and looking adorable.

…just ran into a cashier who is so helpful she's completely inefficient.

Did that pickle flip me off?
…is hiding in the shelter with John, Amelia, Momma, Daddy and all the dogs.

…is finally going to bed. Still laughing about air bunnies and Tijuana prostitutes. 

…just finished getting her monthly dose of conspiracy theory.

…is covered in hand sanitizer.

…is now going by Fantasia Silverwhip.

…appreciates the city of Medina for sending me a ticket for driving six miles over the speed limit. Enjoy my 50 bucks.

…insists you cannot punch the handsome off of Anderson Cooper.

…hears the wind howling.  Oh, wait, that’s Amelia.

…is getting the hookup on some skinny pills.

…saw a ninety something year old woman. On her cell phone. In her car. Stopped. AT A GREEN LIGHT.

…was just on the receiving end of a toilet intervention. 

…don’t practice Santeria.

…is giggling at “nudist flutist.”

…has only been tempted to commit arson once in her life. Until now.

…wants to ticket the cop who’s texting while he’s driving.  Ass.

…thinks the a-holes on The Weather Channel right now need some solemnity and decency beat into them.

…should load a Pez dispenser with Xanax and Zofran.

…is in the storm shetler with her farting dog.  We may not survive.

…wishes this old lady would get out of my dance space.

…is in a pissy mood and has no business being in public or around any other human being for that matter. Too bad for me and everyone else that it's grocery day.

…wants to punch Mother Nature in the colon. 

…believes there is no shame in anyone hiding in a bathtub.

…survived the Rapture.

…was mistaken for a meth head earlier today.

…refuses to apologize to the lazy ass bank teller just because I have $20 in quarters included in my deposit. 

…sometimes feels like the guy from Looney Tunes who found the singing and dancing frog.

…insists she isn’t trying to force feed her toddler soylent green.

…is gonna be overbese if she don’t stop nomming on these here cheese balls and donut holes.

…bleached the shower. Mutating now.

…is gonna crap rainbows from now on.
…is trying to figure out which parts don't hurt. So far it's right ear and butt cheek.

…has no use for booty sweat. 

…finally owns her kid!

…wishes Kroger wouldn't play "Puttin' on the Ritz." People look at me funny when I channel Young Frankenstein.

…doesn't trust people who always look constipated. Or like they smelled a fart. Or any other permanent facial expression related to fecal matter.

…is digesting a kidney.

...still insists that “Pour Some Sugar on Me” is the stripper national anthem.

...has been eating her feelings all day.  Even my fingernails are gone.

…needs an IEP in decorating Christmas trees.


…needs a hug so much that I almost got out of my car and tackled Santa while he was ringing the Salvation Army bell.  On a related note, where's my Prozac?


...has a holiday hangover.  I just barfed up some tinsel.


   

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