Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Tuesday 10: Things I Never Imagined Coming Out of My Mouth

Motherhood has transported me to this bizarro parallel universe where I find myself cheering in the bathroom and counting to three constantly.  Well, to two, at least.  I've rarely made it to three, thank goodness.  

I think about the things I say to my daughter and how there is almost no situation where I would be considered a sane person if a spoke this way.   

"Listen, boss, I'm going to count to three and you'd better give me that promotion!"

"Hey, everyone in the grocery store line, let's play 'I Spy' to pass the time while we wait to check out!"

"Honey, if you will put your socks in the dirty clothes and take your necktie to the closet, I'll give you a special treat!" (Okay, okay, this could technically work if we're talking sexual favors and not marshmallows).  

But it gets worse and even stranger.  Sometimes I say things that make me stop and wonder if I'm high. Or if my toddler is high.  Or if I should worry that the words coming out of my mouth actually sound normal to my ears.   

In no particular order--and with no explanation or backstory--here are ten things that I never said prior to having a child:

  1. “Did you just pee on me?”
  2. “Please stop sticking that in your [insert orifice here]."  **
  3. "Where else did you smear the poop?"
  4. "Did you stick your head in the toilet?"
  5. "Did you stick your head in the toilet again?"
  6. "If you don't come sit down and put these shoes on right now, you aren't getting a popsicle for a week!"
  7. "Your boogers are not medicine now stop eating them!"
  8. "How the hell did applesauce get up here?"
  9. "Thank GOD you finally pooped!"
  10. "Where did you find the chicken nugget you're eating?"
What's the craziest thing you've found yourself saying to your kid?  

**I may have previously said this in a different context, but that's for a totally different blog.

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