Diagnosis

I visited the doctor due to some strange symptoms I've exhibited lately. Turns out I have Teenager-Induced Tourette Syndrome, also known as TITS.

I have developed several tics, including involuntary reaching for staplers and other blunt objects, rapid eye blinking due to disbelief of the sheer ignorance I witness, and repetition of various phrases including, "Stop touching each other", "Listen", "Sit down, sit down, sit down" and "Where is your pencil?"

I cannot be held responsible for any sudden or profane outbursts since my TITS has brought on severe coprolalia. Fortunately, such outbursts are usually confined to the empty classroom of Terrence Morris.

Fortunately, the symptoms subside when those under the age of 18 are absent. The symptoms worsen ten-fold when surrounded by freshmen (especially those of the repeating variety).

There is no cure for TITS, though it is treated with long weekends, holidays, spring break and the months of June and July.